‘If Jess had called, I could’ve saved her life’: Why we’re Samaritans volunteers

Roxy McCarthy, 30, will never forget the day she stood at the graveside of her friend Jess Norris, who took her own life in 2020 aged just 27.

For Roxy, the heartbreaking day was the catalyst for her signing up to help with the Samaritans, where she now answers potentially life-saving calls as one of the charity’s 23,000 volunteers.

‘When you go and stand at the graveside of someone that young, I couldn’t not do anything,’ she tells Metro.co.uk.

‘I needed to do more. I was in a position where I could volunteer and give my time.

‘What keeps me coming back to the phone every week for those few hours? I think if it was Jess that called and I picked up the phone, I could’ve saved her life.

‘I hope I’ve saved lives. I’ve had a lot of conversations, so I probably have.’

Roxy had known Jess since they were both 11 years old, but she wasn’t the first person she had lost to suicide. Roxy lost her birth father too, although Jess was the loss that truly left her in ‘shock’.

The volunteer had even phoned Samaritans herself after losing her grandad in 2017, who was a ‘grandad and a dad’ all in one. Now, she dedicates hours of her free time each week to helping those on the other end of the line.

Last year, there wasn’t a single second when Samaritans volunteers weren’t on the phone to someone. They responded to almost three million calls, spending almost one million hours on the phone — this doesn’t begin to cover the time spent answering emails, online chats, letters, or face-to-face pleas for help.

Remembering the moment she found out about Jess’ death, Roxy tells Metro.co.uk: ‘With suicide you almost have no signs and it’s very “this has happened”.

‘It was another friend of hers who rang me and told me. As soon as I picked the phone up I just knew something was wrong.

‘I don’t think she even said the words — it was just “she’s gone” — I put two and two together.

‘The press that was released about it was very descriptive and that’s what made me not okay, knowing what happened.

‘That was the challenge because you’ve constantly got that picture in your mind. You just relive, relive, relive.’

Jess was ‘so young and the life and soul of the party,’ adds Roxy.

‘She was open about her alcoholism and depression but she tried to help people. She is important, and I feel like I’m in a position to continue her legacy of helping people.’

Roxy says she always sees herself as being very ‘similar’ to Jess and has fond memories of going round to her house after school.

‘She had started doing pole fitness at school and got a lot of stick for it,’ Roxy remembers. ‘But I’d go round her house and she’d try and teach me, and she’d say it was good for my fitness.

‘Then she went on to have her own pole fitness businesses and became Miss Pole Dance UK. That was her passion and that was what she wanted to do — Covid took her routine, exercise and coping mechanisms away.’

Now, Roxy answers calls in an inconspicuous, small-scale building, which houses six sound-proofed desks in a small room above a kitchen stocked with biscuits.

Many of the volunteers wish to remain anonymous, with deeply personal stories leading them to the Samaritans’ offices. But Metro.co.uk was invited inside, to see the life-saving work in action.

Volunteers sit nestled at their chosen desks, armed with a cup of tea and six weeks of training, making them the best listeners around.

Not every caller is in crisis. One of the most memorable calls volunteer Victoria answered was from a lonely woman on her birthday.

Victoria says: ‘Somebody called and she said “it’s my birthday and there’s not one person I’ve spoken to today. I’ve not had a card from anyone, and I’m so lonely. The only voice I will hear today is yours”.

‘She was incredibly lonely, so it was great to just be there and chat with her for a bit.’

Victoria’s uncle used to volunteer for Samaritans when she was a teenager and she used to think it was ‘really amazing’, finding herself intrigued about the prospect of volunteering herself.

Life got in the way for a while but after being made redundant, Victoria, decided to use her time to volunteer for Samaritans and found herself sat alongside Lara, who also shared a call she’d had from someone who was struggling with depression.

‘The caller was in a very dark, very low place and actually just needed someone to talk to and listen. I think they didn’t really know what to do and they felt very alone,’ Lara says.

‘At the end the caller said “I actually feel like I can get out of bed now, because of you I can make it out today”. That was that was that stuck with me.’

Lara had always been interested in working in mental health and there was a Samaritans branch in the town she grew up in. So, after attending university and getting a job, she chose to go and train as a volunteer.

For Roxy, a surprise positive call, around the time of the Queen’s Platinum Jubilee, is probably the most memorable.

‘A caller rang and said “I’m ringing up with a good news story”,’ Roxy says.

‘They’d rang Samaritans quite a few times for depression and anxiety and it had given them the space to talk and they’d picked up this new hobby they’d talked through on a previous call.

‘This hobby had got them out and they’d managed to make friends. They’d been invited to a Jubilee party, at least three parties actually, and they said “I just wanted to ring and say thank you because I wouldn’t be invited to these parties, and feel like I’m able to go, if it wasn’t for your support”.’

Just as those calls had been turning points for those who were struggling, Roxy shared that her call with a Samaritan had been a ‘turning point’ for her and ‘potentially changed [her] life’, stopping her from going down a ‘bad path’.

This was all because someone had listened — properly. Yes, there’s a right way to listen.

Volunteers each receive six weeks of training before they’re allowed to take any calls from members of the public.

These include between five and 10 group sessions, either face-to-face or online, where volunteers can develop people skills and practice active listening.

Victoria explains: ‘You do lots of sort of practice calls with somebody on the other side, so you have quite a good idea what it might be like but nothing prepares you for every time you pick up the phone. You have to catch your breath.’

John was about to start his very first Samaritans shift when I visited the branch. He says: ‘The training is quite intense and you have the knowledge that you’re going to be on the phones pretty soon.

‘I’m also I’m not the kind of person that will ever feel ready to do anything for the first time, so I think maybe other potential volunteers are a bit more relaxed in that process.

‘I would say I have felt kind of under a certain healthy amount of pressure but with practice it will settle down.’

Samaritans volunteers also receive ongoing training several times a year to keep building their skills.

Roxy says: ‘I thought I was a good listener before Samaritans but, if you care about someone, you’re a fixer. You want to offer advice and fix what they’re feeling but sometimes that’s not the answer.

‘You’re not an expert in that person’s life, so listening to them is key — they’re the expert in their life, you’re not.’

Roxy is running the London Marathon for Samaritans in April 2024, as am I, because we’ve both lost a loved one who needed someone to listen.

Samaritans is Charity of the Year for the 2024 TCS London Marathon.​ To get involved and show you believe in tomorrow, visit samaritans.org/tcs-london-marathon-2024/

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